Sunday, July 21, 2013

I can't do this. I am weak. I force myself to sleep because it is my only escape from these feelings. I am haunted by daydreams.

I miss you already. But I cannot tell you this- it would ruin the perfect composure I've managed to maintain. Just the right amount of sadness showing, so that people will not look at me and worry. Yes, I've stopped the tears. They want to come out but yet they don't offer me that relief. I'm not sure if that's better or worse.

There is no confusion. No regret either. What had to be done was done and now I simply face the consequences. To be honest, I don't think it could have been done any more smoothly, and I thank you for that. But it still hurts, as I knew it would.

When I held you that night all I wanted to do was to whisper the words "Please don't go", and somehow I felt that you would listen. But that woudn't be right, because you had to go, and I was being selfish trying to hold on to you. So I sobbed and said nothing. And I think over and over again that this is the decision that will allow us both to gain more out of our lives. At least for the present.

The present is difficult. I lay awake remembering the feeling of your body pressed against my own, and I try to imagine every detail of that time if only to comfort my heart. But when I turn around to see that teasing smile I now face the emptiness.  You kept me awake then and you keep me awake now.

But I knew this would happen, and I prepared best for it though I knew there would never be enough preparation. And there are times when I think back and smile, because I know the sadness I feel now is only because there was so much joy I had to let go. And I think upon the future and have faith that this is not for nothing. Because I will be happy again, and at least now I can be confident that you will be as well.