Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Where'd all my ideas go?

Start rant:

  • Feeling extremely uninspired these days
  • Can't come up with new ideas
  • Unmotivated
  • Completely lost own opinion on life
  • Life is bland
  • Feels like the future's about to hit me in the face but I still can't see it very clearly
End rant.

Annoying drama aside, I actually do feel quite vague. Yes, I feel vague. There's no other word that seems to accurately describe it.

I just feel like there's nothing new in life. 

Obvious solution is to go do something new, but I have absolutely no motivation to do so. I feel like I'm just sitting around doing nothing of importance and yet perfectly fine with that. And the fact that I'm fine with it is what I'm not fine with. Did that even make sense? 

Point is, I'm uninspired and have no motivation to seek inspiration. And although it's quite clear that inspiration isn't going to go out its way to find me, I can't muster up the motivation to be the seeker. I guess I feel like everything that I want to do, I can't do. And to a point it reminds me of the Alchemist (Paulo Coelho), am I going to be one of the many people who'll never find my "personal legend"? 

So I've decided that no matter what happens, when I have a child, I'll support him/her to whatever his/her choice is... but as I made this decision I'd also rather not be blamed for not providing good guidance. It's quite annoying to try to do what you want in life when we live in a world where it seems like everything's against you rather than with you. And life just continues on without any mind to you. 

At the end of the day, it still feels like nothing you do matters while everything you don't does. I feel like society has become too rigid, making demands of us and forcing us into our assigned roles then trapping us there. I want to be able to explore the world without worries. I want to be able to make it through life piece by piece, working up to the end rather than throwing my youth away for the end result. I want to stop and smell the flowers, hell even make a basket of them along the way, but instead I find my eyes always looking down the road searching for... something spectacular. But by the time I reach it, I'm already looking on ahead for something else. 

But even though I know this, I can't listen to it. I'm not stubborn enough to believe in myself to the point where I'll allow myself to slow down. To a point I'm almost scared of believing that I can do whatever I want, simply because I'll have no excuse to not follow my heart. 

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