Stubborn

Thinking about things, I really realized how much I always want things to go my way. My ego constantly blinds me and give me the crystalline illusion that my way is best.

Obviously that's not the case for most the time. But I'm so darned stubborn that somehow things always go my way. Which, at the time, is wonderful; looking back, is not so much so.

I'm not sure if I'd categorize this as 'regret', things can always be worse, but there's still this occasional nagging feeling that things also could have been better.

And times like this it's hard to just close my mind off and just let go. Being content is enough, but only sometimes. Yeah, I'm selfish like that.

It's a nasty habit, and I think I should change it, but I seem to so far only realize it when looking back, and not at the present time. But there's also the thought that always trying to have things my way is how I choose to express myself; I just really enjoy expressing myself (even when it makes no sense). And sometimes stepping down for a moment actually causes me so much mental anguish that it'd probably be better for everyone around me if I didn't. Am I defending myself now? Maybe.

In the end I think it comes down to confidence, and in some areas I have too much (not all of which is well earned). But though I keep thinking about this, I know that nothing about me is going to change, because I really don't want to change anything. It's just slightly unfortunate, but not yet worth the trouble.